


Sad Sidney

by claremac



Category: Sanditon - Jane Austen, Welcome to Sanditon
Genre: F/M, Post-Finale
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-23
Updated: 2019-10-23
Packaged: 2020-12-31 19:02:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21150659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/claremac/pseuds/claremac
Summary: im new to this and as my therapy ive tried to consider the agonies of Sidney





	Sad Sidney

**Author's Note:**

> some quotes are from Jane Austen or her characters

Enough, Sidney thought, he could take no more, he stood up, excused himself to Tom, Mary and Eliza and made his way out of the room.   
He paused outside the house and wondered where could he go?  
Where could there be peace from his thoughts?  
He left the building and headed towards the beach.   
No relief here, he turned to the left but could see her playing cricket on the beach, opening herself to ridicule, all to save face for his brother Tom.   
He turned to the right, still no relief, there he could see her playing with his dearest nieces and nephew, building sand castles with a smile on her face, full of laughter and joy, those lucky children able to put their arms around her when they wished. Enjoying all that she was.. 

Charlotte, dearest Charlotte

He walked on further along the beach, looked up towards the cliffs, and yet more memories flooded his mind. Maybe the most painful of them all. That moment when they somehow found themselves alone and in a private moment, his nerves making his conversation inane. A moment never to be forgotten as long as he lived, her freckles, her dark soulful eyes full of hope, her gasp as he drew her into his arms. A quiet “YES” as he drew her closer. And then the elation, overwhelming joy and sudden desire as their lips met for the first time.   
He couldn’t remember how they returned to the village, so joyous were his emotions. No doubt there was some conversation but of what, he couldn’t recall. Anyone seeing him would’ve thought he was a simpleton with a smile from ear to ear. He could see a future, picture a family, setting up a home, all that he had thought was not a possibility for him was now on his horizon and revolved around this woman that fate had thrown into his path. 

Charlotte, dearest Charlotte

He turned towards home and ended up on the river bank. Was there nowhere in this town where she hadn’t seeped into every blade of grass or grain of sand? The rowing boats were being used by other couples, but Sidney couldn’t believe any of them could be as happy as he had been that day of the regatta when just the 2 of them had one of the most heartening conversations he had ever experienced. It was then he had felt his mind clear of all confusion and she was illuminated in a spotlight of love and hope.   
Charlotte, dearest Charlotte  
Sidney continued back towards Sanditon and still no relief. In the past a bracing swim in the ocean would have cleared his head but no amount of water, no matter how cold could clear his thoughts.  
7 days - just one week, is all she has been gone, yet everywhere he goes, everywhere he turns, he sees her. Even if he had taken a swim the memories of seeing her as he emerged from that brief dip would be there. Oh, if that opportunity could ever arise again, how he would behave so differently! Would she behave differently? Would her attitude be different?

Charlotte, dearest Charlotte

Sidney turned back towards the village and as he walked towards Tom Parker’s home, he came across young Stringer. He thought that maybe she would have been better off with him. He wouldn't have broken her heart! They barely glanced at each other as they passed, and it was obvious from the look young Stringer gave him that he knew what had happened and he couldn't forgive. Well, Sidney thought, I can't forgive myself either but what can I do?

Charlotte, dearest Charlotte

Sidney returned to the house to find Eliza on her way to find him, but he had to make his excuses and leave again. He couldn't tolerate it! The sound of her voice, he couldn't stand the topics of her conversation, so petty, so critical, just everything that was the opposite of Charlotte. 

Charlotte, dearest Charlotte

Charlotte who he drove away.

Charlotte whose heart he had broken.

Charlotte, upon who he had closed the door of the carriage and watched them drive away, when he could have stopped her. He had wanted to beg her to stay, but that would’ve been selfish when he had made an agreement with another. Charlotte needed to be free, free of him and his flaws. He didn’t deserve her, he never had.  
He thought of where she was now. Who could know? She could be anywhere at this very minute, but she wasn’t where he wanted her to be. He could almost feel her by his side, walking along with their shoulders glancing off each other, their hands touching occasionally, her eyes turning to his along with that smile which was just for him. He could feel a slight smile or was that a grimace cross his face.   
He wondered if they will ever meet again, but of one thing he was sure, he could no longer stay in Sanditon. It was ruined for him. He felt he must return to London, face the wedding that was being planned, all that great expense for the greater good, as he kept telling himself. The greater good for Tom, for Mary and the children but not for him and not for Charlotte. 

2 weeks later and his wedding is a fortnight away, all the arrangements are nearly complete but still there's no relief and he still can’t find it in his heart to accept the fact that his future is going to be with Eliza.   
Yet another ball that Eliza insisted they had to attend. Sidney has found less and less joy in every public event he is dragged to. There once was a time when he could barely tolerate these occasions but recently, they make him sick to his stomach. He would much rather be at home staring into the flames of a fire and his good old reliable glass of whiskey. Sidney thought there is nothing like staying at home for real comfort.   
As they entered one of the first they meet is lady Susan. She nods in acknowledgement and pauses to speak to Sidney, “How are you Mister Parker? I hope you are well.” What can he say? He's not well, he hasn't been well in weeks, but he will lie, just more lies, all for the sake of Sanditon. “Fine Lady Worcester and I hope you are enjoying the season in town?” They parted but his thoughts had been triggered by seeing such a good friend of Charlottes. Not that they were ever too far from his mind. 

Nobody truly wants to know how he feels. Truth be told, he can't describe it himself. He is a shell of a man. None of those feelings he's ever had are there anymore. Just an ache, a crippling and total heartache. Is this what the future is going to be? Is this what’s ahead of him for years and years? Will he run into Charlotte someday with a husband? with children? Could it be Mister Stringer or some other lucky fellow? How can he cope? How will he deal with that? 

If only Georgiana didn’t keep bringing her name up! Sidney often thought she did it intentionally to make him hurt as she accused him of hurting her since she became his ward.  
Even Tom brings her name up! Yet Sidney thought with Tom it was unintentional in how it made him flinch.   
Mary too couldn’t help but mention her, especially when a letter or gift came, and the children asked after their Admiral Heywood. But Mary always glanced his way with a certain amount of sadness. No doubt she could tell how much it hurts.   
This was one of the reasons he found himself avoiding those who were once such a large part of his life. Charlotte had been totally immersed among his family and they all loved her so much that there was nowhere he could go to escape. 

He was almost used to the hurt, but could he tolerate it anymore? Was there no other option? His mind still struggled with other options and still no escape seemed possible.   
Lady Susan later stopped him in the corridor between the ballroom and the tea room, “Mister Parker. is there no other way? how much is your future worth? how much is the future of Charlotte worth? I hear a mere £80,000? something must be done! come to me tomorrow and we will discuss matters.” Sidney agreed but he already knew, nothing could be done. He totally despaired. 

****

He knocked on the door and it was answered by a young girl with dark hair, and dark eyes so like his Charlotte. He could feel his heart lurch. He asked for her and the door was opened wider and he was brought in. His heart was pounding so loud as he went down a corridor, he was convinced anyone who listened could hear it. There she was, on the floor playing with her younger siblings. the look of shock on her face made her freckles stand out and her face pale but other than that, she was a sight for sore eyes. “Mister Parker! what are you doing here?” she stumbled to her feet. “Miss Haywood, my pleasure. May I have a moment please?” they both left the house and walked down the lane. Nothing was said as they touched arms from time to time until eventually, she said “please Mister Parker, if you have something to say please say it as I can wait no longer”   
What could he say? Where does he start? so many thoughts are running through his mind. He has thought about this moment so many times. And now he was at a loss. He had dreamt of 100s of ways to tell her of his true feelings. He had spoken too often in their past too quickly and then regretted his haste. He didn’t want to mess this up. It was too important. He had waited too long for mistakes to be made now. They stopped and faced each other. Tears were in her eyes. His heart hurt just watching as those tears started to fall. He could see the pain, no doubt the same pain was reflected in his own eyes.   
“it’s over Charlotte. I'm free of Eliza.”  
“how could this be?” gasped Charlotte.  
“lady Susan. if only I had spoken to lady Susan all those weeks ago. I'm free of Eliza and I’ve come to you. I once promised you we would finish our conversation. please Miss Heywood, my dearest Charlotte… will you do me the honour being my wife? my companion? my future? I never wish to be parted from you from this day on”  
“of course, Mister Parker… Sidney. My heart is, and always will be, yours” 

included are some quotes from Jane Austen


End file.
